Thursday, January 11, 2007

I have kissed a girl. She is lovely – picks me up from airport, tucks me in bed, shares her everything with me. It is cold now – I wear mittens and socks, mismatched. I listen to music to keep me going… I make a messy life. But you should know that by now. I will fall in love. I know.

I have looked out into darkened valley – the town you grew up in, you both. I find it alarming that I love siblings – but should I find it alarming? I can see bits of you in him, bits of him (that are just him) reminding me who is older between you both. I am still the baby. I know. *smiles soft kitten like*

And yes there is an itch. I don’t think it’ll ever fade – don’t think I want it to… What if there nothing better out in the world and this (I can live without – but WON’T!) slips through my hands. Have I become a workaholic at 21 – nothing means more to me. Well not anymore. I would have given anything to change over to normality and live with you. Yes, I say it too late. I know.

I feel like emotions have gone into long term hibernation – why doesn’t anyone mean much to me? Please let this be a phase… It has to be – all this monetary, work, employment, housing, relationship stress has caused a temporary shut down. A temporary shut down. I can’t feel deeply (anything) for anyone. Help. Melodrama you say. Are you scared if it isn’t? Drama you still maintain. I know.

Songs used to help me release, then I shut up, yes sometimes I do shut up. Not verbally, but small talk (okay - interesting small talk) is an art. That sentence reminds me of the hardest conversations I have had in recent times, pretending that you didn’t know that I knew you were pretending to see me. That you weren’t breaking audibly like I have too long ago. If only I had looked past words – if only? Then what? Couldn’t have done a thing – I am made to hurt you with brutal honesty, which is why I believe that I am only temporarily shut down. Honestly – I am not pretending – I fall in love for real. I was happy for real. I am not now, haven’t been for a while. Need closure on so many things… proper – lets sit down say our piece – closure. Is there any other kind? If you walk away without giving notice sometimes is it better? Shall I leave? Will that work? Will I just carry you, you, you and you with me – dead in a sack on my shoulder? Bogging me down as I do you. Songs that help me release a torrential downpour don’t work anymore. I am angry. But – it isn’t your fault sweetheart. None at all… it’s just I need to live a little more before I call it quits. You know? Die a few more times. Forevers for a few more days – fairies in the garden sing songs to the ephemeral. My memories are happy. I may lose out on this – but I have that. I have had that. Born lucky. Could I be more loved? Yes (ungrateful I know). But can I live happy with what I have got so far? Yes… Greed though… greed in me – I know.

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