Monday, October 23, 2006

Whats happening to me?

It’s late – past midnight. I’m lying in bed staring into space. There’s no one that I can call, I’m all alone. Don’t want to wake anyone, don’t want to disturb people. There’s no use anyway, they’ll only get worried. I’m scared – for the first time, I’m winding myself up, thinking upon things too much. The problem is that they won’t go away. They are getting worse. I noticed 2 more this evening – they weren’t there this morning, I’m sure. They are small but itchy – they are spreading. I keep telling people that I’m not contagious, but I must be – it’s consuming me, bit by bit, the sores are covering me & I can’t do anything about it. The doctors worried now, my immune system might not cope. They have referred me back to the hospital. I sit at home & wait for them to call. Nothing.

I don’t work; I just sit & lose myself. The years of intense work, just gone to waist. I feel myself beginning to vegetate. I don’t even seem to care anymore. I think about crying but what would it achieve. I have to be strong. After all they are only skin rashes – right. That’s what I tell people. I don’t want them to worry. But now, today, things are getting worse, they have started to bleed – the cream isn’t working & I don’t know what to do. I have to wait to see a specialist – he only works Tuesday afternoon. That’s tomorrow & I don’t have an appointment yet. It will be at least a week then. Another week of not knowing. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m scared.

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